Sometimes I'm stupid. Really... really... stupid. Case in point:

Yesterday/last night I went over to a friends house, this particular group of friends includes a guy (we'll call him "Ken") that I've had a "thing" for over a year now. "Ken" is cute and fun and totally thinks I'm a friend and based on last night I'd say not even a good friend at that.

But here's the thing. We flirt... sometimes. I think. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just making things up and reading into things. Anyways, on with the story. I'm thinking yesterday that things are going pretty ok. We're drinking beers and watching James Bond A View to a Kill which I hadn't ever seen. We're enjoying it, I'm being witty and we're making flirty eyes (or at least I think we are) until Ken's roommate's girlfriend decides to invite over her friend (we'll call the friend "Carrie") who dances burlesque with roomie's girlfriend. Apparently Ken has seen Carrie dance a few times--and really, can a girl compete with another girl who shakes all her goodies for the whole world to see--and they think each other mutually "cute." So Carrie comes over and she's nice enough but I got the feeling that she wasn't that into Ken. That, and Ken blew it towards the end of the afternoon when other people came over and he stopped talking to her.

Anywho... fast forward to the evening.

I'm hanging around with the boys, drinking and waiting (hoping) for some one to pick me as a Beirut partner. Then the boys invite the girls next door over. At this point, I was supposed to leave to go to another party but for some asinine reason I decide to stick around and torture myself.

The girls from next door were all right but I completely disappear when they're around. All the sudden I'm the invisible girl... no one wants to be my Beirut partner and when I finally get a partner he DITCHES me saying something to the effect that he "hates" playing games and would rather "talk" to people... meaning he'd rather be flirting with the new girls. *sigh*

So I spent a large part of the night watching Ken flirt, and return flirts, from his partner (we'll call her Rhianna) and get all touchy feely with her. And I continue to become more and more invisible. Until the end of the night when he tells me that even though Rhianna is cute, she's too all over the place to be good girlfriend material. Granted, he was drunk and I'm not convinced that he knew who he was talking to.

Seriously... WTF? I acknowledge that I'm stupid, and probably should have just left when I planned to. And I'm acting like a pretty stupid jealous girl getting upset over both the fact that I was mince meat around my guy friends when new girls walked in the door and the fact I'm getting upset over a boy that doesn't know I "like" him since I have ever made any indication to that affect. But seriously? Seriously. Sometimes I wish I was back in high school and could ask one of my friends to put a note in his locker or something. Other times I wish I was like my drunken college self who had no problem hitting on guys and getting what she wanted from them. I know that both of these options are not viable--the teenage me never knew what to do with a boy once she had them, and the college me did too much with the boy once she got him--but I really, really hate this feeling of being invisible. I hate the questions that run through my mind, "Why doesn't he like me? Am I too sarcastic? Am I pretty enough? If was skinnier, would he like me?" I hate these questions, I hate not feeling worthy, I hate not being noticed. Yet, I don't know how to stop it. I wish I could stop it.

I wish he'd notice me.